Author: seijiscribbles

2014-2018

Had a little retrospection a while ago. I attended Fresher’s Social 13 times, parting/farewell 17 times. I watched FIFA world cup twice, have been going to two Universities, read about 456* books. Dated 17 girls/women, no of whom I stuck with or had a committed relationship, & I didn’t approach first or brake the ice with any one of them. Wrote around 204 poems, out of which 150+ are what I myself label them shitty. 6 complete essays, 5 short stories (3 in Mizo, 2 in English), & one complete novel (253 pages) in English. Boarded my first flight fully paid by GoI. Now the sense of an ending of my time as a master’s student creeps in, it’s been one helluva rollercoaster memory!

Scored only 37% in my first sem exams in 2014, barely passed. Stayed at Hostel for the first time in my life, NEHU 17 Umngot. Had my existential crisis, abjured all my beliefs in religion, culture & convention. Became a staunch follower of Absurdism, Stoicism & Marxism. Cracked my first NET exam in 2015, invalidated ’cause I dropped out. Earning my keep as an apprentice carpenter & daily man. Abstaining myself from alcohol & pot, which I still manage till today; though I smoke a lot. Joined University again in July, 2016 by self-supporting myself, having only one blue jeans, a pair of all star shoes, a few t-shirts & two striped shirts. Trying to bounce back from my ‘quite shameful’ disgrace.

Became a Students’ leader by accident. Found a few part-time jobs, mostly content writings & translations, which have been succouring my educational endeavour. Became a research assistant under Dr. Kosei from Osaka University in Japan. Cracked NET exams again, which I sincerely hope will be valid this time. Met some of the most intriguing & interesting women in my life, each having their own alias known only by me. Each of them I would accept them as my better half, without any second thought, if they ever wanted. But, life’s an irony, I wanna stay bachelor for my lifetime. I miss the Anchor the most, the first I have ever officially dated. & The one who ghosted me for the first time.

Now, the madness of June is almost over. I will have to go through the intellectual test of fire for one last time. My only consolation is that, I will be saved from the chagrin and infamy of having had the time to watch WC final twice during one’s master’s. Because it will be over on the 12th. This strange feeling of nostalgia & regret creeps into my soul, when I mull over these ups & downs, despair & elation I’ve been facing during the past four years. It is, in the end, what that “do not kill us make us stronger”. & My old friend known as epilepsy have been dormant all through, thank you God! But I guess insomnia & nightmares are the side-effects of being a loner, lover & stranger.

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The Ghost Of You

Summer begins with a relentless retrospection
of doleful days and moody Mays.
But somehow I’m barely making it,
it seems. The promises of spring
with its orgasmic cadence
have never been kept.

One day in May, I saw two men who were
brawling on my way to the university.
The other man who was as big as Goliath
had trounced the corpulent man in a turtle’s helmet.
Writhing in pain, I saw drops of blood being spilled
from his nose as I hurriedly drove past.
I continued to think of that defeated man–
who bore the ignominy of being a loser.
Somewhere it hurt me, & a strange feeling
of sadness creeped into my soul,
as if I were hit by a bullet in my gut.

A friend once told me that being a loser in a fist-fight
& love,
are the worst kinds of defeat one could ever have.
He said that in the game of love & fight,
there is no such thing as fairness.
Then he told me about his little anecdote,
how he lost to a guy whom his girlfriend flirted with.
And how soon after he told me, he broke down
into tears . . .
It baffled me then, how the most obdurate person
I’ve ever met, could be so sentimental.
Maybe it was the Smirnoff that swelled his heart,
nobody knows.

It seems I do give a damn when you dumped me
with an alibi that’s like a child’s plot
in a game of tea-set.
I’ve never drunk the ale of defeat before,
but yours was my first. & I hope it’d be the last.
Now this strange sadness serenades my soul,
& I can’t find it anywhere to hide.
I guess your afterglow will everglow
& haunt me, the way the symptoms of
insomnia remind me of loneliness.

For Chased

For Chased

I know neither you nor I speak English as our first language, but there are certain things that can be said only in English. If I were compelled to describe you with a single word, I’m pretty sure that none of the adjectives in the English lexicon would be sufficient to describe you. I might as well have to coin a word exclusively for you.

It was truly a moment of serendipity when I first met you, at Zizi’s place some years back where we had an informal poetry reading session, I never thought then, that we would tag along so well to the point where everyone thinks you’re my girlfriend (without the space Oh!).

It has been my grandest pleasure to be your friend. You are like the weather–unpredictable and sometimes capricious. The most gifted girl I’ve ever met with sense of humour and 99.9 level of naughtiness.

I’ve been mulling about the ways on how to wish you on your 16th and many months anniversary. But like I’ve said, I can muster no words or phrases that could describe how much I feel blessed to have you in my life. May you always wear that smile which makes everyone feel at home. In your presence, on my part, all my troubles seem a distant memory.

In this world, where the word ‘trust’ seems vague, superficial and rare like postcards nowadays, I feel as if I had discovered El Dorado when I met you. No gold can weight your worthiness. You are, as per Camus, a true artist–you never scorn nor hardly judge but always try to understand and reserve your judgements. You are truly a diamond among heaps of gold.

I hope that the heart of the Republic will be kind to you on your special day. I wish you’d nail your presentation like you always do whenever you’re given missions to accomplish. I hope I’ll be able to feel the sweet aroma of your friendship until the day I sing my swan song. I give you all my good wishes and my warmest gratitude. Happy birthday, have not just a blast but a sublime explosion.

SJ

Yusuf 3:94

I still remember the first time I saw him. It was inside our first semester classroom and we were having an induction ceremony. He was sitting on the first bench and his behaviour was quite ostentatious to me. He moved as if he were the price of England and talked as if he were a godfather in some nefarious syndicate. My first impression towards him was not good.

But as time moves on, my affinity toward him gradually grew. He sat on the first bench of the second row and me on the first of the third. We always had some sort of informal debate whenever the teachers raised questions because our opinion’s always polar opposite. When our first semester was over, he became one of my closest friends in our class despite his brusque behaviour and nonchalantly acrimonious attitude towards others.

Now, we haven’t yet known each other for more than one and half years but he’s already one of my closest friends. Despite his own eccentricity, he’s the most patient, sympathetic and benevolent classmate I’ve ever had. He’s always eager to help his friends, be it studies or other affairs. He is the one who makes me believe that true Christians still exist on earth. In him, though he seldom mentions or talks about religion, I see the Christ that he believes in. He never applies for tribal scholarships because his father is a government servant and his family income exceeds the upper limit restrictions.

What moves me the most is that he donated all his meritorious scholarships to the poor and needy and didn’t even take a single penny. When I asked him the reason he simply replied “God gave me a good mental faculty to study and this is still the only way I could return the favour.” I will always admire his altruism and philanthropic philosophy until the day I sing my swan song. He is one in a billion kind of friend that I’m sure I will come across only three or four in my lifetime. He’s never been loquacious or try to convince others, but his stoic reticence preaches me much more than all the sermons and pompous speech I’ve ever listened or witnessed.

Like all the people I’ve held dear in my life–he too has an alias that I’ve named. I call him Yusuf, an Arabic version of his English name. In this crazy internet and social media driven world, I guess he might be the only guy who can only be contacted through a landline telephone. Avarice, greed and prestige do not have room in his life. I’m one lucky SOB to have known him. Happy birthday Yusuf, always be a blessing for others. You’re a living proof of one of my favourite adages–never judge a book by its cover.

I’m glad I’ve met you in my life. Thank you for always been kind and generous to me. Have a blast at the Zoo with your girlfriend and don’t forget that I’ll give you an ankle break on Monday as your birthday present since you never accept gifts.

Your soulful friend,
Seiji
3.02.2018
00:01

I Am Explaining A Few Things: my stance toward faith in a nutshell.  

I don’t know whether it might do any good, but I have to clarify my stance toward faith and belief. Lately, I’ve been asked, labelled and even chastised of being an infidel.  I’ve randomly received tons of questions like ‘Are you atheist or agnostic?’ ‘Do you follow any religion other than Christianity?’ which usually flabbergast me in an awkward embarrassment.  
I am Christian by birth, born, brought up and nurtured in a Christian family. But I have abjured my belief in any kind of traditional religious institution sometime in 2015.  However, this does not make me a non-believer in the existence of an almighty being or to put it short–creator.  It’s not because of my hubris or the inability to follow the dogmas of religious institutions; but rather being putting myself on the quest for salvation through complete freedom. To put it bluntly, I think being religious is an asinine fatuity.  Throughout the history of mankind, religion does no good but sells false hope and spread hatred and misunderstandings among human beings. I don’t mean to say that there’s no positive impact of religion on culture and individuality; it’s just that at the macro level, there are more ‘bad’ than ‘good’. 
Nevertheless, I respect each and every of my fellow human being who is pious and follows certain religion. I have no qualm against someone who wants to pray or goes to Church or gives offerings to whatever gods they may try to please.  To judge or go against their sentiment is not my duty anyway.  I hate proselytization as much as I hate atheism.  I believe in the notion of peaceful co-existence and in the existence of one ultimate being, the truth and God almighty who creates the universe including myself.  For me, my purpose of existence is to spread love, peace and empathy among God’s creation including all other life forms other than homo sapiens.  God has given me a sound mind to make choice and live my life according to my belief.  Until today, in my deepest despair and utmost happiness, my pride does not subdued my humility to have believed in the existence of a much superior being than me.  In simple terms, I don’t seek salvation and deliverance by following a specific religion.    
I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife.  I hate to accentuate it but in my own terms, to believe in an afterlife is nothing but pride and selfishness of the human conscience, because we never really want to die.  I think it’s an absurdity to snobbishly reject that all humans are mortal.  To me, earth is a place where God sent me to fulfil my existence which has its many flaws and imperfections.  Poverty, inequality, war, disease and many other things that have been impeding the welfare of humanity and other life forms on earth.  For me, the purpose of my existence (as per my own personal epiphany) is to fight against these evils and contribute even the least against them.  
We have so many thing to do and so many evils to curb. I’m pretty sure that I have only one life and live it with a complete freedom to do the right thing for the right cause.  So, instead of being just another one of those cowards who is too arrogant to believe that humans can die, I choose to be different.  Please stop labelling me as agnostic or atheist. Just because I don’t approach God through religion, doesn’t mean that I can’t praise God.  Religion is just one of the means for approaching God, but not the end itself.  May peace, harmony and solidarity be with us all. 

24  Silences 

I don’t know which one of us is more fortunate 
to fall in love amidst the sound of solitude 

and the quietness of nature’s abode. 
You came like a restless wind in fall 

that scatters dead leaves 

in a painful reminiscence of being alive.  

And how the first time your lips muttered 

the blissful silence of the place where 

dead leaves were falling as if they were 

in love with gravity, 

I told myself that death and silence 

are fear and love in their cruellest manifestation.  
We had once breathed 

the aroma of love redolent  

with a thousand promises, 

at different place and time.  

But it seems the aftermath is longer 

than forever, 

with fear and grief at its core. 

And too much a burden like a 

snail in a tortoise’s cuticle.  
Still the heart yearns for 

the heart that has gone through 

the test of fire. 

Oh! Love is such a funny fickle feeling.